The Only Thing Worse Than Having a Job is Looking for One
by Morty Finklestein
Applying for a job in the “real world” is the dumbest fucking thing one can do! Calling it a soul-destroying, farcical, invasive, epically moronic and ultimately pointless exercise in futility gives the process too much credit.
First off, you are always required to ‘fluff up’ your resume in order to make it look ‘presentable’. In other words, you must pull fiction straight out the ass because honesty from a potential employee is the last thing the fuckstain employer would ever want. Secondly, you must fill out mountains of paperwork, telling the company if you are a felon, if you are willing to take a piss test, if your credit rating is up to snuff. They need to, ya know, make double sure you’re an upstanding, obsequious grapehead that’ll dance for ‘em at the drop of a hat.
Yes, all of that is very bad indeed, but the worst of the worst is the psychological exam. They’re in most American applications nowadays and generally range from thirty to sixty questions; all being totalitarian in nature. ‘Do you daydream?’ ‘Would you snitch on an employee if you caught him stealing?’ ‘How do you feel about our current president?’ ‘Do you vote?’ If you don’t fill these out exactly how the corporate computer wants, your application gets automatically rejected without even a pleasant ‘go fuck yourself’. No courtesy call. No human interaction whatsoever.
See, this is why I admire the lazybones who wakes up at ten in the morning, smokes hash, lies about, does nothing to contribute to the industrial misery and mostly keeps to him or herself. They do not participate in ecological annihilation. They think ‘why be a headless chicken stressing out over a 401k and retirement? Why bother with healthcare when the stress from work alone would, ironically, kill me? Why go ape over all of this nonsense instead smelling the roses, taking a deep breath and saying ‘you know what, fuck it…this bullshit ain’t worth it…I’m going to the park for a walk then taking a long afternoon nap’. Am I saying laziness is next to godliness? Of course not, but we all could take a lesson or two from the indolent ones who outright reject this society of productive plastic podded people.
In the long run, this culture is truly not worth the effort …
… but fuck, I need a job.